It’s so much easier not to go to a party than it is to go to a party. That is why I usually don’t go to parties and have instead taken up knitting and rewatching Mad Men. (I’m currently almost done with the second season and ****SPOILER ALERT**** forgot how badass Betty Draper gets — hit me up if you want to talk about a TV show from 10years ago.) That said, if you must go to a party, it’s way easier not to wear a costume than it is to wear one.
This is a roundabout way of telling you that I don’t like Halloween. No, that’s inaccurate; I don’t not like Halloween, I just don’t want to put the effort in to do Halloween. I try not to do too much shit, you know? Like, why do something when you could not do something?
However, I understand that some people have more fuel in the tank than I and derive great pleasure from dressing up. If you’ve had your costume planned for weeks, I bow down to your planning abilities, but this blog is not for you.
This blog is for sports fans who fall firmly in the camp of Trying Not To Do Shit Ever but have somehow gotten roped into going to a party and would catch hell from their friends if they didn’t make at least some semblance of an effort. It’s for sports fans specifically because this is a SPORTS website, for crying out loud, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to blog about Halloween without a sports hook!
So here are some ideas for last minute sporty Halloween costumes.
1. The Tom Brady sketch and the Cristiano Ronaldo bronze head
Couples costume idea pic.twitter.com/ZM2SDkUvEC
— Charlotte Wilder (@TheWilderThings) October 27, 2017
Patti Smith once said that when she’s having a bad day she’ll “just sit and physically make myself smile. Because sometimes it makes you laugh, and then you go, ‘All right.’” Well, Patti, I live by a similar mantra: “I just sit and physically make myself Google the Cristiano Ronaldo bronze or the Tom Brady sketch. Because sometimes it makes you laugh, and then you go, ‘All right.’“
Grab a friend, put a suit on them, and then rub a lot of highlighter and some random dark splotches on their cheeks. Cover your face with metallic paint and smile like a goofy doofus all night. You’ve done it!
2. Jon Gruden
You literally just have to wear a visor and you’re set. If you want to go as Gruden from those Corona ads, wear a visor and carry a Corona around. Don’t even worry about making sure the visor or your shirt are navy blue. You can just tell people you’re Janky Jon Gruden.
3. Cord Cutting
Walk around with a phone charger and a pair of scissors.
4. Hoodie Melo
Wear a sweatshirt and put the hood up (h/t to Whitney Medworth for this one).
5. The Ravens’ deleted Queen of England tweet:
This one requires more work but it’s SO worth it. Dress up as the queen and then paint your face with the Ravens logo.
6. Untucked Kyrie
Wear your Kyrie jersey and don’t tuck it in (h/t to Matt Ellentuck).
7. A football
Wear all brown.
8. A baseball
Wear all white and wrap a red scarf around your neck.
9. A basketball
Wear all orange.
10. A tennis ball
Wear all green.
11. A yellow card
Wear all yellow.
12. A red card
Wear all red.
13. A green card
LOL that’s not sports, silly!!!!
14. A birthday card
Shut up, Charlotte.
15. A deck of cards
No seriously, cut it out.
16. … a CARDinal
I swear to God, Charlotte, I’m going to turn this blog around if you don’t knock it off.
17. Mike Gundy
Give yourself a mullet. One night of glory is worth whatever nightmare you have to live for the next two years.
18. Kyle from the “sporty” skit
Find any sports-like jacket and talk like Kyle all night. You have to be funny to pull this off, or you won’t ever get invited to a Halloween party again (h/t to Mark Hinog).
19. A NASCAR driver
You can wear whatever you want as long as you say “Vroom, vroom! Beep beep! Screeeeeeeacccch!” whenever anyone talks to you.
20. The cat that ran across the field last night on Thursday Night Football
Draw whiskers on your face and memorize the Tony Romo commentary. Say it all night. Your friends won’t get sick of it. Trust me, if they tell you to stop, they’re just flirting. Keep doing it.
21. Rob Ryan on Fox Sports 1
no caption will do this justice pic.twitter.com/9AC3rZxN1p
— Jessica Smetana (@jessica_smetana) October 19, 2017
Throw on a pink blazer and walk around looking stunned. Bonus points for a wig, but if you’re lazy, you can just say “pretend I have long, white, flowing locks.” An imagination is a powerful thing.
22. Rex Ryan
Go to Nashville with your friend who’s dressed up as Rob and get into a bar fight.