Going to a WrestleMania 33 viewing party? Here’s what you need to know.
So you’ve been invited to a WrestleMania 33 watch party? First off: Congratulations for having friends who care enough about you to invite you into their home and are comfortable enough to disclose their love of WWE without fear of judgement.
Now being invited into an environment full of wrestling fans can be pretty daunting, but we’re here to help.
Essentially you’re going to watch a TV show you haven’t seen all season and turning up for the finale. That’s what WrestleMania is. Storylines that have been developing for months will end, so we want to prep you as best we can to enjoy your evening by giving you a quick rundown on how each match got here.
WWE Championship Match Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton
Bray Wyatt looks like a murderer in True Detective and now has dreadlocks. He’s a Bayou cult leader who likes to kiss people on the forehead before ending them.
Randy Orton is a mound of muscle packed in a Speedo whose personality is based entirely around the idea that he is emotionless and calculating like a snake.
How it got here: Orton pretended he was part of Wyatt’s cult then burned the compound to the ground.
Universal Championship Match Goldberg (c) vs. Brock Lesnar
Goldberg is a buff dad who breathes in sparks on the way to the ring, so it looks like he vapes. His body hair looks painted on, and he wears adorable little shorts.
Brock Lesnar is a sentient piece of angry beef brisket that’s sponsored by Jimmy Johns. He beat people up in the WWE, then UFC, and now back in WWE, he’s a mythic figure.
How it got here: They fought at WrestleMania 13 years ago and there needed to be some nostalgia on the card. Goldberg demolished Lesnar for no obvious reason so now this is happening, and with a title involved.
The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
You probably know The Undertaker at this point. He’s big, he’s old, and people still love him. He’s lost only once at WrestleMania, to sandwich monster Lesnar.
Roman Reigns is the physical embodiment of the word “fetch” from Mean Girls. There’s nothing functionally wrong with him, and he’s actually pretty good — but fans caught on to WWE jamming Reigns down their throat and hate him in defiance.
How it got here: WWE has wanted Reigns to be the next Undertaker for years, in terms of popularity and his place in the company. Now it is going to try and force it, come hell or high water. The setup for this match is weak and comes from Reigns eliminating Undertaker at the Royal Rumble. But the match could deliver if Undertaker doesn’t wrestle as old as he looks.
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse
John Cena is a legend. Nikki Bella was one of the best women wrestlers before being injured. They’re a real-life couple who talk entirely too much about boning on Total Divas.
The Miz is a former reality TV star who is cocky. Maryse is his real-life wife. They don’t talk about boning even though they are also on Total Divas.
Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
Shane McMahon is the son of WWE owners Vince and Linda McMahon. He likes to shuffle around and punch the air a lot then occasionally get in the ring and do something silly looking and super dangerous.
AJ Styles is one of the best dang things in WWE, and he’s stuck wrestling Shane McMahon.
How it got here: There’s a whole bunch of longstanding history beef from the dissolving of WCW here and inside business stuff that is boring. It’s basically a dude wanting to beat up his boss.
RAW Women’s Championship Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
Bayley is the plucky, hardworking paragon of virtue in WWE, and everyone loves her because she’s just so dang good.
Charlotte Flair is Ric Flair’s daughter and is so great at acting evil and entitled.
Sasha Banks is Bayley’s real-life BFF who’s been relegated to sidekick way too much over the last year, when in reality she’s probably the best superstar in this match. Don’t throw things at me, please.
Nia Jax is awesome because she’s atypical of what WWE has looked for in women superstars in the past. She’s a powerhouse who will help change the pace of this match.
How it got here: Bayley and Charlotte have been feuding all year, Sasha got involved because she likes Bayley, and Nia Jax just wants to kill everyone. Yanno, wrestling stuff.
United States Championship Match: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens
Chris Jericho is the aging rocker you unabashedly love even though his best years are behind him. Sure his nickname is Y2J and based around a computer disaster that never happened 17 years ago. But he’s fun.
Kevin Owens looks like someone who would work in the kitchen of a pizza restaurant. Then you see him move around and realize he’s 1,000 times more athletic than you will ever be despite being much bigger than you.
How it got here: Jericho and Owens used to be BFFs before Owens attacked his buddy. Then Jericho cost Owens the Universal Championship. Now they hate each other.
Seth Rollins vs. Triple H
Seth Rollins’ nickname is “Crossfit Jesus,” and you’ll realize why when you see him. He has a really long neck and a sweet beard, and he’s awesome.
Triple H likes to climb in the ring once per year to prove he’s still got it. There will probably be some movie tie-in for his entrance, so don’t be surprised if he runs to the ring dressed like a minion or some shit. But like a skeleton minion.
How it got here: Triple H is Rollins’ boss. Rollins used to like his boss. Now he doesn’t like his boss. Now he wants to fight his boss.
Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin
Dean Ambrose is the one guy in WWE I would be legitimately terrified of if he challenged me to a bar fight because I assume he has knives hidden everywhere. Just like a whole stack of knives pressed in a coat. That’s Dean Ambrose.
Baron Corbin is the kid from AV Club in high school cosplaying like a biker. He’s fine.
How it got here: Corbin crushed Ambrose with a forklift. Now he wants his title.
Champion Alexa Bliss to defend against all female SmackDown LIVE Superstars who are available to compete
Alexa Bliss is an incredible young superstar who will absolutely lose the title because her boss doesn’t like her.
How it got here: Alexa Bliss’ boss doesn’t like her.
Raw Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Ladder Match Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (c) vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus
OK, lots of big wrestleboys here, so we’ll do it quick. The ladder got added at the last second, and they have to climb it and grab the titles to win.
Gallows and Anderson look like clones of bald accountants who dress up like daddies for Halloween.
Enzo and Cass are a walking episode of Jersey Shore and somehow make it work.
Sheamus is an angry pale Irishman who looks like a Dwarf Slayer. Cesaro is amazing and Swiss and possibly an IRL video game character.
How it got here: The tag teams have no stories. They just get angry and fight each other, which makes them angrier and fight more.
WrestleMania kickoff show: Airing before the main pay-per-view on WWE Network.
The Fourth Annual Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
A bunch of big men will stomp around a ring and throw each other out of it. This is what you thought wrestling was if you’ve never seen it before.
How it got here: Every year a bunch of big men stomp around a ring and try to throw each other out of it.
WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries
Neville is an angry British man who likes to fly though the air and do neat stuff. He had no real personality until he became evil. Austin Aries’ jackets are way too ostentatious to belong to a good guy, but we’re just rolling with it for now.